Posted by: Jivani Lisa | October 20, 2023

Inchworm Meditation

Last week, I enjoyed a beautiful seven-day retreat at Garrison Institute with Rupert Spira and friends. On Friday morning, my husband and I shared some of our own older poetry with each other. I shared “Inchworm Meditation” published in 2014 with WestWard Quarterly. About an hour later, we went to the chapel for the 90-minute morning meditation with Rupert.

Formal meditation is a practice I enjoy, but sometimes I feel very sleepy in the middle of it. Whenever this happens, I open my eyes slightly and gaze toward the floor in front me to remain focused and awake. I opened my eyes on Friday morning, and what did I see? An inchworm! It was crawling on the cushion of the woman sitting in front of me. I was incredulous! How could this be possible? An inchworm directly in front of me during meditation? A spider or a beetle I could understand – but an inchworm?

I tapped my husband’s knee and pointed directly to the inchworm so he could see it, too. When I did this, I became aware that the young man, Jon, sitting next to me had seen the inchworm as well. We made eye contact briefly. The inchworm behaved exactly as I describe in my poem, including being “poised tall on hind legs.”

As I watched the inchworm, I began to fear for its safety since the woman on the cushion didn’t know it was there; she might move and crush it. Eventually, she DID move, and the inchworm was swept away, perhaps crushed. Jon and I immediately looked at each other. His expression seemed to say “holy crap!” This – for whatever reason – I suddenly found hilarious, and I had trouble controlling my laugher in the silent chapel.

In my mind, to center myself, I went to a painting called “Death is Safe,” by Rob McRae which I had seen on display earlier in the morning. The painting shows a large red circle in the center. I visualized the red circle and repeated the words “death is safe” a few times in my mind. The red circle evoked a sense of feminine protective energy. This somehow moved my emotions into sadness and I began to cry. I wondered about the inchworm and sent love to it. Lots and lots of love.

Then, I moved effortlessly into quiet, centered meditation in pure Being. This felt sacred and full.

Periodically, laughter or sadness returned. I simply noticed how the emotions showed up as physical sensations in my body. I also remembered the incident with John Cabeen near the helicopter crash memorial in Virginia Beach where I saw the inchworm that inspired my poem.

When I opened my eyes again, the inchworm was back! The lady on the cushion saw it and protected it. After the meditation, she placed it safely outside. She, Jon, and I talked about the incident, and the synchronicity of my poem, Inchworm Meditation. I continued to feel completely incredulous. How could this happen? What could it mean?

Then it hit me: This was a communication from John! My mind needs an explanation and this seems the most logical. October 15th marks one year since we scattered John’s ashes over the ocean. I think of him often; I miss him and sometimes even imagine what he would say regarding the things happening in the world now.

So, I believe John sent the inchworm (and Jon sitting next to me) to let me know all is well with his spirit wherever he is now, to say hello, and to say he really loved the retreat setting on the Hudson River and the teachings of Rupert. Indeed, John must be directly experiencing the teachings of non-dualism (Advaita Vedanta) now. Life is mysterious and beautiful!

Rupert Spira: “Let all becoming rest in Being.”

Posted by: Jivani Lisa | July 16, 2023

Egret Time

This poem of mine was originally published online at vox poetica in 2012:


Snowy egrets white,
Bright against rain–
A calming sight–
Dwell outside time,
Catching live food
With nowhere to go.

Lines of cars go.
Drivers’ teeth whitened,
Needing cash for food,
Damning the rain–
Anxious about time
And egrets unseen.

Birds of sharp sight
Step lightly and go
With perfect timing,
And gleaming whiteness,
Unfazed by rain,
To snatch fish for food.

We have mouths to feed
And fear to see
Blinding, pouring rain
When off to work we go,
Our dreams whitewashed,
And deaths untimely.

Egrets’ beauty timeless,
Graceful inlet feeding,
And wings of pure white.
Watery eyes seeing
Rivers flowing, going–
Become clouds and rain.

Driving, my heart reigns,
Longing for egret time,
Wishing bridges gone.
I dream of feeding
My soul amid a sea
Of wings all white.

While droplets rain flashes of white,
My heart feeds on the sight
Of nowhere to go in egret time.

Posted by: Jivani Lisa | July 16, 2023

Creation’s Circle

This poem of mine was originally published online at vox poetica in 2012:


Cemetery rest is alive
for me. Walking amid rows
of stones, rosary beads
in hand. Imagined bells peal
in my mind. Praying, I circle
back minus a thorny crown.

These faithful souls now crowned
by the Lord. I breathe and live.
Sober crows caw and circle,
then alight in my present row.
Centuried granite, flaked, peeled, 
yet clutching fresh dew beads.

Fingers caress polished beads;
eyes perceive a distant tree crowned
with pink flowers. My heartbeat peals.
I am drawn on by that tree’s life,
weaving around graves, where rows
have ceased and peace encircles.

Prayers travel the Rosary circle;
footsteps slow the clicking of beads
and move past row after row
of headstones. Solitary tree crowns
my journey as I touch life–
earthy bark smooth and peeling.

Now time and matter peel
away to vast oneness, circling
me with energy, vibrant life.
All is one–tree, sky, beaded
bodies of ants. I sense crown
of blossoms gifted to me. Rows

Of tears flow; my Oarsman rows.
I am His. Wedding bells peal
as my joy swells. This crowning
sense of union in creation’s circle
suspends my breath. Holy beads,
God’s presence, everywhere alive.

Connected to life, all is appealing.
God’s love encircles, smooths every row.
Each soul a bead in my heavenly crown.

Posted by: Jivani Lisa | July 9, 2023

Summer in a Sacred Valley

This is my non-fiction piece, written with John’s encouragement, and originally published at The Camel Saloon in 2012:

Indiana Jones was a liar:  There was nothing glamorous about archaeological fieldwork.  The work was boring and tiring, so I practiced meditation techniques.  I hated the mosquitoes, so I carried a can of OFF! in the pocket of my camie pants.  I hated the burning sun on the back of my neck, so I slathered on sunscreen several times a day.

As an Anthropology major at the University of Hawaii, my thirst for adventure had prodded me to contact the Bishop Museum in Honolulu.  I’d heard the museum was organizing a team of archaeologists and students to dig test pits in Halawa Valley.  This struck me as an exciting way to spend my summer vacation.

For years, there’d been talk of building a new highway to connect Oahu’s southern coast with the windward side of the island.  This highway would cut more than an hour out of travel time from one side of the island to the other, a great help in particular for anyone traveling between Pearl Harbor Naval Base or Hickam Air Force Base and Kaneohe Marine Corps Base.

The heated debate over building the H-3 highway centered around cost, of course, but also on cultural resource management.  Since the new road would run through Halawa Valley, an area sacred to Native Hawaiians and important to environmentalists, there was great public outcry over the proposal.

The museum informed me there would be three, ten-person crews assigned to work ten-hour days in various parts of the valley.  Two weeks later, I joined a crew that had already been working during a preliminary phase.  My first task, as a newbie, was backfilling the old test pits.  Sweating and straining, I soon realized I wasn’t as physically fit as I’d assumed.

The best part of the day was lunch break.  We piled into the filthy van, drove out of the valley, and visited a little place that served “plate lunch” – usually two scoops of white rice, barbeque kalua pig, and kim chee, all in a Styrofoam shell.  One day I was so excited about going to lunch, I slipped in the mud and slid down our hilly site on my backside.  I never managed to live that one down.  My green t-shirt remained forever stained by red dirt.

After two weeks of backfilling, I was finally given my own area to dig a test pit.  The more experienced members helped me map the spot and take photographs.  Using trowels and brushes, buckets and a screen for sifting dirt, I slowly began to excavate my piece of earth.

The most exciting days in the valley were whenever anyone discovered anything of real significance – something other than small chunks of charcoal from the wood burned in Native Hawaiian cooking fires.  While clearing brush with our machetes, we sometimes found irrigation trenches or walls built of stacked lava rocks.  Cutting through the tough hau branches was impossible for me using the machete.  With my terrible hand-eye coordination, I couldn’t strike the same spot twice.  I feigned sickness on those days.

On my very own “day of fame,” I uncovered a large, somewhat flat, polished stone with a straight edge – an adze, a Native Hawaiian axe that had once been attached to a wooden handle by fibrous cord.  Everyone stopped work to examine the adze and discuss it amid an air of excitement.  We turned up the radio and had a little party.  If we’d had any beer, we would’ve broken it out for sure.

During the course of the summer, as we finished digging in a certain area, our crew would be assigned to a new location.  This was an interesting time because work was suspended while we waited for the director to come from the museum and tell us where he wanted us to dig next based on the discoveries we were making.  We filled the time, sometimes entire days, as best we could.

On one such day, I was assigned to reorganize the tools in our base area where we took our breaks.  There was a large blue tarp on the ground under the tools and an identical tarp strung on poles overhead as protection from the rain.  No one else was nearby.  As I worked, I suddenly felt something fall on my neck with a tickling sensation.  I instinctively grabbed at my neck and ended up gripping a huge, blue and black centipede – which I promptly flung yards away onto the road.  I didn’t even scream.  My crewmates thought I was telling tales with that one.

Another time, we sat under the tarp, chatting, eating snacks, and waiting for the director to arrive.  We heard a rustling in the trees.  A mongoose.  These animals were brought to Hawaii to eat the rats that arrived on ships.  In addition to the rats, they ate the eggs of rare Hawaiian flightless birds, forcing them into extinction.  We discussed the mongoose; I mentioned something about watching a group of mongooses earlier that day.  Everyone became very quiet.  I looked around at my co-workers and asked, “Is the plural of mongoose, ‘mongeese’?”  Everyone burst into laughter.  I laughed, too.  Someone said, “Everyone eventually asks that question out here.”

One of the guys on our crew told us he’d done a lot of hiking in Halawa Valley and he knew the location of a plane crash.  He also knew of a small cave containing human bones.  We decided we should spend our next free day hiking to those sites.

On the day of the hike, we drove the van to the best strategic point to begin working our way toward the cave.  We stood in the road looking up at the mountains as our guide pointed to the spot where he believed the cave to be.  He wasn’t entirely sure.  I didn’t care; I was stunned by the beauty of the landscape on this sunny day.  Since we’d had some rain, several waterfalls cascaded their way down the ridge.  The air smelled fresh and just a bit humid – invigorating.

We began picking our way through the vegetation, inventing our own switchbacks as we climbed the slope.  There were no paths to follow.  No GPS.  We stopped periodically to get our bearings before moving on in what we hoped was the right direction.  We talked about what it might be like to see human bones.  Whose bones could they be?  We thought they might belong to some member of the Hawaiian royal family.  It had been a common practice to hide the remains of royalty to protect them from desecration.

Two hours later, we found ourselves gazing up the sheer face of the yellow, rocky cliff.  Our guide pointed to an opening in the wall, about twenty feet above us.  The cave.  We stood there in silence, recollecting ourselves in preparation for whatever we were about to observe.

The only way to reach the cave was by climbing a series of boulders and rocky outcroppings in the cliff.  There was barely enough space for one person to go up at a time.  I decided to go last.  I was not at all confident that I’d be able to make the climb due to my fear of heights.  I wanted to take my time.

We stood around patiently awaiting our turn to look inside the cave.  The mood was respectfully silent.  However, we couldn’t contain our curiosity about whether there were any visible bones.  The cave was too small to enter, and even if we could’ve entered, we would not have wanted to violate this sacred place.  A young woman quietly asked one of our returning members if he’d seen any bones.  He said yes, there were a few visible bones, a femur in particular.

When my turn came, I inched my way toward the cave, stopping to breathe and calm myself after placing my foot each time.  At the entrance, I experienced the most profound peace.  Everything was silent, yet somehow alive.  The opening was only three feet wide and about three feet high at its peak.  I looked into the cave and saw that it was roughly seven feet deep.  Inside, everything was the same yellow color.  Very dry.  At first, I saw only rocks.  As I looked more carefully, I noticed the end and shaft of a femur and pieces of a broken cranium.

Time seemed to stop.  My mind even stopped.  I stared in awe at the bones.  Then I heard a slow dripping sound, and gradually, I became aware of water falling on my face and hands.  Tears?  Whose tears?  There was no sadness here.  I realized the water was dripping down the face of the cliff and falling in front of the cave.  This filled me with overwhelming peace and joy.  I turned my gaze away from the bones and looked up at the blue sky, then down at the lush vegetation all around me.  My fear of heights had vanished.  I had no idea how long I’d been up there, but I wanted to stay.

Realizing I needed to rejoin my group, I walked down the cliff.  Everyone remained subdued.  We decided to head for the site of the plane crash which our guide believed was nearby.  The terrain was uneven and slippery in spots.  As I walked, I repeatedly grasped small tree trunks to keep my balance.  Our guide informed us the airplane was a Japanese Zero fighter that crashed during the attack on Pearl Harbor.  After hiking through thick undergrowth for an hour, a few of us were convinced we were going in circles.

A voice called out, “There it is!”  I looked but didn’t see anything other than more vegetation.  A large fallen tree, covered with layers of moss, blocked our way.  One by one we clambered over the tree.  Then we found ourselves face to face with the wreckage of the plane – all covered with dirt and rust, and overgrown with vines.  We examined pieces of the fuselage and wings, and found snippets of Japanese writing.  We didn’t see human remains, but nevertheless, we remained mindful that someone had died there.   I was amazed to see the debris being overcome by the vibrant plant-life.

Among my co-workers, I sensed respect and a shared humanity that included the spirit of the dead fighter pilot.  What must it have been like to die a violent death far away from loved ones?  This wasn’t a morbid thought.  I didn’t care if this pilot were a friend or a foe.  He was a human being – that’s all that mattered to me.  I didn’t feel sad or frightened.  I simply experienced in the depths of my soul that death is part of life.

We sat on boulders and tree stumps for I don’t know how long – contemplating the scene.  I was surprised that certain members of my crew could be so quiet.

Heading back down to the road, we happened upon a clearing.  There, in front of the ridge on the opposite side of the valley, appeared a bright double rainbow.  Both bows were strong and complete from one end to the other.  My heart gave thanks for the rainbows and for all the sacred experiences in the valley.

We found the van and flung our tired, sweaty, dirty bodies onto the vinyl seats.  Our guide for the day remarked that it was five o’clock, time to “pau hana” – quit work, go home.  I smiled, thinking Indiana Jones had been redeemed on this day.  I’d even forgotten all about lunch break.

Posted by: Jivani Lisa | October 17, 2022

John’s “Final Flight”

According to John’s wishes, we scattered his ashes three miles off the coast of the Virginia/North Carolina border on the evening of Saturday, October 15th. John’s best friend, George, arranged a pilot and airplane to assist with this most holy mission.  We were supposed to take-off around 5PM, but ended up getting delayed for various reasons until 5:45.  This resulted in us seeing a spectacular sunset as we returned to the airport.  It was a very emotional experience.  George, a chaplain, offered prayer before we released the ashes.  I wore John’s headset (which you can see in the black bag in the photos).  John’s ashes were in a temporary box in a green bag. Please enjoy these beautiful photos.

When I shared the photos with friends, one of George’s friends commented it was a beautiful sunset “John sent.” I thought, Oh! Yeah, maybe John had influence on the timing of everything. 😃 Maybe that’s the real reason the flight was delayed. I hadn’t thought of that. But why not? It would be just like him to arrange that stunning sight in the clear evening sky as a “thank-you” to us. I’m quite sure he knew we were faithfully carrying out his wishes. We love you and miss you, John!

Posted by: Jivani Lisa | October 1, 2022

Pome

I was looking through old emails I’d saved from John today.  I came across this piece he wrote for me in 2010.  He called it “Pome” because that’s the way I tend to pronounce the word “poem.”

Thought I’d seen it all. Thought love was just a four-letter word as Dylan said. Thought God was just the glue that held everything together. Thought simplicity and austerity were only for those who could afford no more. Thought sincerity and spirituality were for another place and time. Thought sensuality was only on a tape or in my mind. Thought conversation existed only in my head. Never wondered about being dead. Thought no one else could see God in a thermal or in a crescent moon. Thought no one could find peace flying with me. Thought a lifetime of flying had left me nothing but logbooks full of hours. The mouth-to-mouth resuscitation you gave brought me back to life in more ways than one.

Your backpack and your scarf. Your smile that would disarm the devil. Your bright inquisitive eyes. Your Mountain Pose as you listen to my stuff. Thought I was a child of the sixties, a rebel all my life. Then the woman who might have loved me I never knew who was born in the sixties comes into my life and restores a reason for my being.

——————————————-

“. . . woman who might have loved me I never knew” is from The Eagles song “Take it to the Limit.”  He loved that! 

I miss you, John! Keep soaring free!

Posted by: Jivani Lisa | September 20, 2022

Aging Well

Franciscan priest, Richard Rohr, offers daily meditations via email. I’ve been receiving and reading them every day for something like twelve years. I used to always forward them to John, too – and he always enjoyed them. This week, the theme is “Ripening” as a metaphor for what’s supposed to happen to us as we age. I couldn’t help thinking of John as I read yesterday’s meditation. I witnessed him “ripening” and aging well during the years I knew him – beginning in 2009 – including the last two years when he needed 24-hour nursing care. I’m posting yesterday’s meditation here. You can access and subscribe to the Daily Meditations HERE.


Most of us tend to think of the second half of life as largely about getting old, dealing with health issues, and letting go of our physical life, but I simply don’t believe that’s all there is to it. What looks like falling can largely be experienced as falling upward and onward, into a broader and deeper world, where the soul finds its fullness, is finally connected to the whole, and lives inside the Big Picture.

It is not a loss but somehow a gain, not losing but actually winning. We probably have to have met at least one true elder to imagine this could be true. I’ve met enough radiant people to know that it is possible. They have come to their human fullness, often against all odds, usually by suffering personally or vicariously and empathetically. As Jesus describes such a person, “from their breasts flow fountains of living water” (John 7:38). They are models and goals for our humanity, much more than the celebrities and politicians whose actions we seem to care so much about today.

Remember, no one can keep us from the second half of our own lives except ourselves. Nothing can inhibit our second journey except our own lack of courage, patience, and imagination. Our second journey is all ours to walk or to avoid. My conviction is that some falling apart of the first journey is necessary for this to happen, so don’t waste too many moments lamenting poor parenting, lost jobs, failed relationships, physical challenges, economic poverty, or other tragedies. Pain is part of the deal. If we don’t walk into the second half of our own life, it is surely because we do not want it. Let’s desire, desire deeply, desire ourselves, desire God, desire everything good, true, and beautiful. All of the emptying out is for the sake of a Great Outpouring.

Posted by: Jivani Lisa | September 18, 2022

John’s Obituary

I’m sorry to announce that John died this past week. I’m sharing his obituary here. He is off soaring on blue sky thermals, I’m quite sure! His memorial service will feature some of his writing found on this blog, including this little gem:

Final Approach, by John Cabeen

“In the early days of aviation, airports were of necessity built in secluded areas. Cemeteries were already there. Then came automobile wrecking yards. Many airports have grave yards and wrecking yards nearby.

I was once shooting touch-and-goes with a student at Navy Chambers over the cemetery.  We were on base to final approach for Runway 28 when we felt an unexpected bump. “What was that?” the student asked. I nearly said out loud it was a soul making its way to heaven.”

Obituary:

John Edward Cabeen, 79, of Norfolk, Virginia, passed from this earth on September 12, 2022 after over two years of physical hardship and pain. John was born February 28, 1943, the first-born child of Neil and Edward Cabeen in Oklahoma. His family spent part of his youth in Texas, and John became a lifelong fan of the Dallas Cowboys. He was a United States Navy veteran who served during the Vietnam War. He earned his master’s degree in English from Old Dominion University in Norfolk.

As a general aviation pilot, glider pilot, and flight instructor, John’s greatest passion in life was flying and teaching flying. In addition, he taught English at Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University in Norfolk. He also loved weight-lifting and running marathons, including several successful completions of the Pikes Peak Marathon in Colorado. He enjoyed writing poetry, fiction, and non-fiction with his inimitable quirky style that could be both humorous and profound. John loved all types of music, but especially The Eagles, Neil Diamond, Bob Dylan, and Emmylou Harris. He was an active member of Second Presbyterian Church in Norfolk where he enjoyed volunteering his time for various outreach ministries. His favorite prayer was, “God, help me help others.”

John was preceded in death by his parents, his sister, Catherine Ann Bradshaw, and his brother, Danny Arthur Cabeen.

John is survived by his niece, Tasha Bradshaw, and his dearest and closest friends: Teresa (Teresita) Cabeen, George Schmidt, and Jivani Lisa Drago-Bauer.

A memorial service will be held for John at Second Presbyterian Church, 7305 Hampton Blvd, Norfolk, VA on Friday, September 23, 2022 at 1:00PM. According to his wishes, his body will be cremated, and his ashes will be scattered by small plane over the ocean. In lieu of flowers, please visit United Ostomy Associations of America at ostomy.org to make contributions in John’s memory.

Doing a pre-flight inspection, July 17, 2011
Posted by: Jivani Lisa | March 4, 2022

Update on John

Posting an update for our Soaring with God followers: Sadly, John fell and broke his shoulder over a year ago and ended up in the hospital for over six weeks with all sorts of complications. Professional medical staff and social workers helped determine that John had become too weak to care for himself. He entered a skilled nursing facility on January 1, 2021 and remains at that location. His eyesight has deteriorated to the point where he’s unable to read or write on his own. For quite a while, due to COVID-19 protocols, he was unable to have visitors at the facility. Since he’s also deaf, he hasn’t been communicating via telephone either, but over the past few months, he’s been able to have visitors. He does recognize visitors but he has a skewed sense of time. For example, when I visited him in November, he told me he was “turning 75 in a couple days.” In actuality, he just turned 79 last week. One major blessing is that he doesn’t seem to understand how much time has gone by. He seems to think he’ll be flying a Cessna again at some point — and of course, I don’t have the heart to tell him that’s not possible. I continue to hope that maybe a pilot-friend of his could at least take him up for a ride at some point. My guess is John misses flying most of all. He’d much rather be soaring high in the blue skies than tied down to this earth. Whenever I see hawks soaring over a warm road or gulls soaring over water, I think of John. Please keep him in prayer.

Posted by: John | August 21, 2018

Clouds

Clouds are fascinating entities. They come, they go, in all shapes and sizes. I wonder what it would be like to be a cloud. And what kind of cloud would I be?
Would I want to be a towering Cumulonimbus with an anvil top pointing where I’m going? I could rain and snow on everyone or strike with lightening if I wanted to. Or I could just be a cuddly, cute, little cumulus flitting about the blue sky like a white lamb.
I know if I got too low I’d be called fog. I could always dissipate and be gone.
If you saw me over the mountains as a Lenticular cloud, you’d think I was a flying saucer.
Or you might think of me as holy if I were a Corona.
I could be a low lying carpet if I were a Stratus cloud.
Although humans make Contrails, they are clouds, too.
I might just become a Rainbow and show you seven colors.

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